Suffering

I like to think of myself as someone who is mature and experienced and whatever. I like to think that I’m wiser and more knowledgeable than most people. But really I’m not. I’m beyond stupid and my work ethnic is terrible. And part of that just stems from the fact that I’ve never developed one to begin with. 

I’m a strong believer in the notion that suffering from mistakes or unfortunate events are sometimes the only way to have a person truly understand what they have or what they need to do. A mother bird doesn’t teach a baby bird how to fly, but instead pushes her child off a cliff when she feels like it’s time. The baby bird will, after falling a great distance, spread its wings and soar as if it knew how all along. It may seem cruel but how can a bird learn how to fly if it never experienced the fear of plummeting towards certain death? So how can a person improve if they never feel the need to? 

I, as a child, never really had the strict Asian parenting most other Asian children had, but sometimes I wish I did. Because grades were something I chose to pursue on my own, sometimes I was satisfied with something that was clearly not my best. “As long as I’m not the worse” was basically my motto. But that lead to a feeling a complacency. I was almost semi-satisfied or “okay with” the B+’s I got so I never needed to work harder. Cramming the day before or not listening in class was something that I often did. I’ve never experienced the FEAR of failing so I never needed to try harder (or very hard at all).

But after coming to college things became different and I needed to try. Grades mattered and classes were no longer something to scoff at. I can’t just mess around and skip all my classes and still get a B. I’m probably going to fail one of my classes and adding that to my already pitiful grades. My future does not seem very secure.

Sometimes I wish I ended up not getting into UT. That definitely would have been a huge wake up call for me. But no, I was fortunate enough to get in despite being ranked 120 out of 586. 120 out of 586 while most of the kids here are valedictorians of classes of over 1000 people.

I sometimes wish I had suffered more and made more mistakes as a child because learning the lessons now are very very unforgiving. 

Is it bad?

Is it bad that I feel like the relaxation I feel during weekends is too good to be true? It’s like having a pleasant dream while you’re trapped inside a jail cell. I’ll wake up and be horribly devastated because I’m still in a cell. I sometimes wish there were no weekends at alll because then I won’t feel so horrible on Mondays. 

Unimportant things

The calm before my academic storm is the even-worse personal agony storm.

I’m not even mentioning the I-have-to-spend-every-waking-hour-studying storm

Or the summer-plans-disaster storm

Or the housing storm

Unfortunately for me, I don’t have Texas weather. There are no spontaneous bursts of shine for the next month. The forecast predicts severe hurricane warnings with the possibility of an earthquake of sizable magnitude.

shubbabang:

In preschool when I was 5, the boys bathroom had to get a ceiling repair so everyone had to use the girls bathroom and when I was in there some kid named Jimmy walked in.

And that was the first time I saw a penis

(via pleatedjeans)

I had a dream that a doctor told my mom that my whole family had diabetes.

…whatdoesthismean .___.

Purpose.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure it’s a universal idea that life is usually pretty routine and monotonous. I mean, let’s look at it. A typical university student wakes up at a regulated time and goes to class. In class you either do one of two things: pay attention to the obviously boring lecture because you don’t want to fail or you browse facebook/tumblr the entire time either because this class is clearly below your level of intelligence or you just don’t care. After class you’d either sleep, eat or more class. Then everything starts over again.

So hey. according to those standards my life sucks, which it mainly does.But…. it really shouldn’t because it doesn’t.

Because if our life…is being generalized like this then what is the point. What is the PURPOSE of attending college? Why are we here? So many of us talk about wanting to be successful in a career, wanting to glorify/follow God’s plan, or being able to support the parents that brought us so far. But do we really WANT to do this? Is it really our desire to accomplish these things if we always complain about classes, if we always forgo actually learning in order to get a “good” GPA?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to tell you that we, as students, don’t REALLY want to secure our futures. But we certainly aren’t acting like it. Let’s say you really want to be an accomplished piano player. You’re not going to skip all your private lessons and never practice. Even if your private lessons are hell and practice is painfully boring you keep going because you know why you are doing what you’re doing. But for some reason, as students, we often lose track of our desires. We forget our purpose and we sit on our butts complaining because we forget why we are paying thousands of dollars in order to sit through boring lectures.

But if keep our goals in mind…then each class will stop being a waste of time(for both you and your professor) and become a stepping stone that takes you a bit closer to the future you desire.

tl;dr: I’m going to start actually trying to learn and pay attention in class, you should too, because of reasons.

To generalize it a little bit, remember why you’re doing what you’re doing. Because we often forget. I forget. Then things such as Church, School, other stuff just become something routine, not something you want to do.

PS: how many of you can safely say that you’re accomplishing your hobby/goals as steadily as you’re accomplishing your future?ESPECIALLY exercise. 

yeah. thats what I thought.

My liiiifeee…..

I’m really worried about my future. But I don’t do anything about it. Then I proceed to fail all my classes. I’m really good at school guise.